Grandma’s Pearls of Wisdom‏

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On a recent visit to my home State, I was lucky enough to catch up with my Grandma over dinner and Yum Cha. Unlike my brother, I don’t often see my Grandma or speak to her.

For those of you that are of Chinese decent, you will probably understand what I am about to write.  You will understand that she isn’t harsh or direct, but means well.  For everyone else, you probably will now understand why I have forever ongoing self-esteem issues.

Another thing you will need to understand is that Grandma, having only met Gambit twice, loves Gambit. Alike my dad, she thinks Gambit is the best thing that has happened to me in my life and all my accomplishments are a result of having met Gambit.

Grandma’s top tips:

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Grandma’s hot tips = basically becoming someone I’m not

Take some care in the way I dress (and stop looking like a tramp/bum).  I personally think this came about because at dinner, Gambit was wearing his work clothes (collared shirt, suit pants) and I had changed into a casual striped dress.  It was obvious that when I stood next to Gambit, I looked underdressed.  Grandma must have thought, despite my clarifications, that we always went out like this. So she told me to stop dressing like a bum.

Wear makeup.  Firstly, I do wear makeup. I wear tinted sunscreen as a foundation and a little bit of blush.  On this occasion, I did not wear any blush.  Only sunscreen.  So Now I need to start putting on false lashes, lipstick, eyeliner, eye shadow and blush.  My morning routine sounds like it will increase from 2 minutes to 20…

Cut my hair.  My hair is half way down my back.  After I explained to Grandma that Gambit likes the length of my hair long, she backtracked a little bit and said to have my ends cut because I was getting split ends. Thankfully I wasn’t visiting longer or else Grandma would have taken me to get a haircut.  L

Don’t wear my hair tied up.  I am not sure why.  Like I said, I have long Asian hair.  It is thick and I get hot.  It is like I am constantly wearing a beanie/hat.

Match my handbag with my shoes.  This one was interesting.  Gambit had bought me a gorgeous red Longchamp bag as a wedding present.  But Grandma didn’t know this at the time and turned her nose up when she saw it and said that my handbag was ‘no good’.  When I explained it was a gift from Gambit, Grandma backtracked and said that my handbag was OK but I needed to match it with my shoes.  So note to self – get some red shoes.

Wear heels (even if they are small).  Following the above tip, I should be wearing heels, even if they are a little one.  Back to the online  croc store for me this weekend then.

Buy expensive clothes, don’t be tight on what I spend.  My wardrobe is full of Kmart, Target, Miss Shop and Joy Store clothes.  I would say a good 75% of it Had been purchased at a discounted/sale price.  I don’t wear designer.  Looks like the credit card is going to get a hit.

Lose weight.  This one is ALWAYS on the list.  I have always been a big Asian female.  Maybe it was from all the full-cream milk I drank as a kid… or all the Maccas thickshakes… or all the Maccas… I am not sure.  But Grandma said I didn’t need to diet.  I just needed to buy a treadmill/x-trainer and walk on it while in front of the TV, each night, for an hour, and I would lose weight.  Fine with me.  Exercise I can do.  Eat properly… not so well.

Be a good wife – cook, clean and be kind to my husband.  Well I can’t really say much about this.  I’m probably not a very good wife.

I’m not like my absolutely amazing sister-in-law who is a few years younger than me, has two kids, cooks, cleans, changes nappies and when you ask her a stupid question, she stops what she is doing, gives you a smile with her happy eyes and proceeds to help you.  I’m serious, she could be doing 10 things and stop and answer a question like ‘where’s the milk?’  As we all know, it should be in the fridge.

Anyway – I am the type of wife in that situation to tell you to give me a minute,then answer you in 5 minutes, flustered, and then whinge about you later on to what a stupid question that was.

Now, all these things, these pearls of wisdom, are not to be done without reason.  Grandma is no fool.  It doesn’t matter that by changing all these things, I wouldn’t really be the real me.

My objective is, my ultimate goal, is so that my lovely husband will not leave me or get stolen by another woman.  And that should be my life goal.  Grandma says the above is now very important since I am now moving to New York and the women there are well dressed and snatch other people’s husbands.

So for all those women out there with husbands, you may already do most of the above (unlike me).  But the things that are you aren’t doing, you really ought to start doing them because your husband may just leave you for someone else otherwise.  Grandma’s opinion, of course, not mine.

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